⇩Overwhelm Cheat Sheet
How to develop a winning mindset
In this episode, Charlie Ray and I discuss how to have a winning mindset.
By listening to this episode you will learn how to have a productive mindset.
I am here today with Charlie Ray. And Charlie Ray is a healer and a coach. And he’s going to tell you all about himself. But we’re going to talk today about what is your mindset blocks in your coaching business? And how do you develop a winning mindset that allows you to move forward in your business with the strategies and the things that you know you want to be doing.
But making it not feel so heavy, because a lot of times when I work with clients in the theater, hero, coach, inner circle or my private programs, there’s usually something that comes up along the way, or right away comes up around mindset, or I don’t feel like I’m enough, or who am I to charge for my services, or whatever it is. So, Charlie, why don’t you just introduce yourself and what got you into the mindset healing realm, and we can go from there?
Sure. Hello, everyone. My name is Charlie Ray. And my start and beginning kind of happened around 2010, I had a major tragedy in my life. My 14 year old son really liked this girl in this class, she did not like him back. So her and two other girls made fun of them, call them names, put stuff on social media. We didn’t know that his parents and he had trouble sleeping. So we brought him to the pediatrician pediatrician, couldn’t find anything wrong with them, he seemed to be fine.
But she thought that he might be mildly depressed based on his symptoms. So they put him on Zoloft. On later on in the school year, we started noticing that he started cutting themselves. And so we bought him to a psychiatrist, the psychiatrist increased the medication. Two weeks after the increase. I get a call from my 14 year old daughter, I’m out getting some pizza with his mom, and I get a call that Christopher is not responding to her. He’s moving. And we immediately come home and run down in the basement.
And he had hung himself. He was flight for life over to the local children’s hospital. He was on life support for about three days, but there was nothing that we could do to save his life. So that changed my world, like instantly, like, Okay, what what can I do to help other people? I really got into the world of understanding energy psychologies, the one that I practice is NLP. And so I just couldn’t develop it from there and realize that we are all being blocked with something, there’s always an emotional trauma that happens in our lives. And the key is figuring out where does it begin? How do you get rid of it? And that’s what I do.
Wow. Yeah. I mean, what a story to truly create a shift in your life. And I’m very sorry, that happened. And I just want to acknowledge that you were able to take that situation and say, How can I help other people? Now, when it comes to having something that happened in our past that blocks us from our future? What would you say? I mean, I know, for example, what I hear is, like, I’m not enough is a really common one. I’m not like so that could be I’m not good enough. I’m not fit enough. Or, I’m not smart enough, whatever it is, um, but what would you say the top three patterns that you see among people, especially business owners, because we’re talking to coaches today? That hold them back?
Yeah, absolutely. So the top three for anybody, whether you’re a business owner, or anyone, is usually I don’t feel like I’m enough, right? I don’t feel like maybe I’m loved. Maybe I don’t feel significant. Like those three things love significant and not feeling enough, are such a major factor that I’ve noticed other people that I’ve worked with, is maybe I don’t feel like I have enough presence to build my business or something is holding me back from really getting to the level that I’m at.
And all of those things start from pretty much from birth to seven years old, from our third trimester, seven years old. You are who you are, based on the people that are in your environment. You hear so many times of saying, Oh, if you look at the top five people in your life, that’s as successful as you’re going to be. This is not new information. This has been going on forever. People have been saying that. Well, who were the people in your life at a young age that were impacting you? And what were they saying to you that caused those feelings? Because that’s the beginning of it. That’s where it all starts.
Yeah, absolutely. So let’s say, I mean, for me, thankfully, I grew up with very loving parents and very encouraging and that kind of thing. And I know that that helps play a role in what I felt confident and doing and not doing and stuff in life. But what if somebody didn’t have the best situation growing up? And they’re like, Okay, yeah, I acknowledged that that maybe I didn’t have the best upbringing or my parents said things that, you know, have really stuck with me or whatever? What is the first step to start to work through that?
How you view yourself can affect your mindset
Sure. So when you look at that, like we’re being programmed, right? You’re almost like a computer, we’re sitting on a computer, you open up a brand new computer, and there’s nothing running, because there’s no programs on it. Right? So you’re being programmed. So the best thing to do is figure out a, what is that emotion? That’s coming up for you? What is the trigger that’s coming up from you? And where did you identify the very first moment, that earliest moment that you could, that you started feeling that way? That emotion or that trigger? Where did it start from? Because if you can identify the very first moment, you can start releasing that. And that release process, especially through energy, psychologies can be done instantaneously. Like within one session, it could be gone. Yeah.
So what if somebody is like, Do you have any questions to help them pinpoint when that started to happen? Or what situation?
How to pinpoint triggers that may affect the way you think
So what I would do is, like I said, First identify, you know, I mean, obviously, as a coach, you’re teaching other people, what they need to be doing moving forward, and you’re applying that into your own life, because your experience is the best thing you have. So first of all, okay, what is your block? What’s holding you back? Once you identify that block? Is there an emotion or a trigger attached to that lock? Right? Do I am I always getting angry?
Am I feeling anxious? What is that emotion that you’re having? And what’s the trigger? Is it a tone of voice? Is it somebody saying something to you? Or, is it a feeling that when you don’t succeed at something, you feel like you’re not enough? What is that trigger? And then once you identify the earliest moments of that trigger, you can start piecing this all together, and then you can start doing some release techniques that you can do. And there’s a couple of things that we do to place anchors to kind of counteract that trigger, right, they pick your mind immediately out of that state and put you into a different state. Yeah,
I love that. Yeah, trigger. So what what noticing your patterns, oh, when someone says this to me, I can immediately frazzle that or whatever. And I really like how you bring up feelings and what feeling is around it. I think a lot of times we are, I think a lot of the reason why we either don’t take risks, or we avoid failure, or whatever in our business is just because we forget that we’re able to feel our feelings and manage them.
Which, you know, some feel like, I don’t know, if I’m capable of feeling so incredibly nervous that my heart is beating, and I’m sweating. And I look really, like scary. And I’m, you know, my voice is quivering. But really, at the end of the day, the worst case scenario in whatever you do, is a feeling of some kind, right? So how does somebody like and I think there’s a fear of if I let myself feel the feeling, I’m not gonna do anything, I’m not going to be productive.
I’m not I’m, you know, I’m gonna eat my hope kitchen cabinets, or I’m going to scroll social media, I’m going to make a really poor purchase decision, or if I let myself laugh, feeling, you know, something really bad is going to happen. How do we start to trust ourselves in feeling our feelings and identifying what it feels like to feel a feeling?
So that’s a great way of putting it. So if you have a feeling right, like and you want to bury it, like, oh, no, I this is coming out again. Like I said, You got to go and identify it. It’s okay to have that feeling. You want to have that feeling? Because guess what, if it’s a feeling an emotion, that’s not allowing you to move forward, then where are you going to be in one year or two years or five years, if you keep not addressing that emotion and that feeling.
So once you can just allow yourself it’s okay to feel that way. Because sometimes we feel happiness is a feeling. You might have a moment in your life where oh my gosh, I feel so happy. And it triggers you right? You see something? Oh my god, I remember this time, that was like, The happiest moment in the world to me. So you’re having programs or emotions that positively impact you. It’s okay to have the emotions that don’t impact you.
Or impacted in a negative way, help you to move forward. It’s alright. Because that’s the first step in identifying and getting rid of those programs that are not serving you, right. They’re not helping you move forward. That’s the key step is allowing yourself to feel that emotion. It’s okay because now you can start figuring out hey, why What is this? Is it serving me? If it’s not? How to get rid of it?
Yeah, for sure. And I think like just starting to bring curiosity to it and not judging yourself for having the feeling is a big thing. Because I think a lot of people, they’ll be like, oh, like, why? What’s wrong with me? And they’re asking the wrong questions like, what’s wrong with me? Why do I feel so sad? Whatever it is, versus what does this feel like in my body?
What do I think triggered this? How do I want to feel about the situation, you know, and just kind of bridging their way into a better place? Right. But the point of feelings is not to immediately get rid of them. It’s kind of what you’re saying, which is allow them and feel them and learn from them. And their, their guidance for us to know what we need to release or let go or that kind of thing. Right? Yeah,
yeah. I mean, it’s, like, for example, like, I don’t have emotions come through me all the time, there could be the smartphone thing that triggers me. And unfortunately, I went through such a severe trauma. And the energy psychology has helped me get through that. But I live with that pain for the rest of my life, losing my son, and now come up, and I’ll feel it, but you know, what, I utilize that pain. And I have an on believable drive to serve and help other people. I didn’t have that before, I was a totally different person. Before that happened to me.
And now this unbelievable drive, just make an impact in somebody’s life. That’s what I do it for. It’s that pleasure of being able to impact somebody’s life. And you all have that tool, you wouldn’t be coaching people, if you didn’t want to serve and help people. But what I want to do is I want to jump into a moment where you identify an emotion that may not be serving you, right? As a mindset coach, you know, that you can take your mind from one place and move it into another place, from a sad place to a happy place?
How do you do that you can easily place a trigger, or an anchor that will trigger you out of that state into another state. So when you start realizing what that emotional state is, that does not serve you, you don’t want it, what I would recommend doing is I call it find your antidote, what’s the opposite feeling that you want to have? What do you want to feel? Do you want to feel happy, empowered, whatever that is. And so once you identify that, what you’re going to do is you’re just going to take yourself into faith, you close your eyes, see, feel, hear everything, the smells, everything that’s going on around you be in that state.
And then when you get to that state, you know, when you learn in school, you have that bell curve that goes up, that comes back down, as the emotion is off, and you’re in that state, and you’re feeling excited, or you’re feeling happy, which that’s when you’re gonna place your anchor, you would tap on your tap on your knuckle, rub your fingers, wherever you want that anchor to be, it needs to be the same anchor every time. Because when you when you channel that you get down into a state that you don’t feel that’s working for you, all you can simply do is touch that knuckle, and it brings you in it immediately triggers you right mindset from that shift from the negative state into the state you want to feel and you’re over it.
Now, that’s just kind of a Band-Aid, it doesn’t release it, but at least it immediately can get you out of that state. With enough emotion and enough feeling of pleasure of that other instance of what you want to feel, then the stronger that trigger will be. So you just touch it, hold it down, and you’re out of that state. And it can work as simple as that.
I love that. Yeah. And we actually, when I was at the Tony Robbins event, they did a thing where we would, you know, clap and you think of your victory moment or something and I would immediately change your state. If you’re in the middle of something and you need to like get excited or whatever. Um, and it was really cool because I was I’ve never done that before. I’m you know, I’m new to this kind of thing. But, you do the train whistle.
Yeah, he did.
Every time you hear the train whistle you because he talks about that train, right? As we drive now. And we see trains are like, Oh, shit, we’re gonna wait forever, right. But what did he do? He reprogrammed it ain’t heard that whistle. It feels like excited and happy to jump up and down. So I guarantee you the first week if you saw a trade, it would trigger you to think oh my god, like there’s a trade but you right? Yeah, yeah, that’s exactly what it was.
Totally like I think really we all are we get what you make a neutral thing like a train whistle mean and your brain is totally up to you. And his whole thing was like most people hate train whistles and get annoying and are like I’m going to be late. So let’s Yeah, let’s help you guys laugh and like every time I play the train whistle throughout the day today you have to get up like jump You left. And it was hilarious.
So then, of course, you remember that next time because the reps, yeah. And that. And one of the things I’ve had to learn, I would say in the last two years, is being much more comfortable around feeling mistakes or feeling failure. So I’ve tried, I’ve done, I’ve been really setting the bar high for myself, and as a result that requires a lot more failures amongst a lot more wins. And I think a lot of people think you could skip that part, but you can’t, right. So my whole thing is, when I’ve made a mistake, or when I’ve, you know, done something that I’m like, oh, shoot, I wish I would have done it this way.
Or I wish I would have made this choice or whatever. Yeah, like a visceral gut punch. Like, it’s like, oh, like, I’m so I feel the feeling for me is inadequate. It’s like, I’m inadequate. And I know, I mean, I did a coaching session on this with my coach, because I was like, I can’t, if I’m going to do big things, I’m going to have to feel this a lot. So I need to learn how to deal with this and not make it me and I’ve so wrong, I’ve done something super inadequate, or whatever. And so how do we, you know, I understand that we get to decide what we make things mean.
And I think one of the things that you’ve, when you’ve said that you have so much drive after what happened. I think there’s like a thing called Post Traumatic Growth, or something like that, where something is a book about it. And it’s about how something traumatic or challenging happens. Some people come out of that with this new like, drive or mission or thing that is like, Yeah, this is what I need to do now. And so maybe check that out. But what I wanted to ask you is when it comes to going through, like, just how do you start to, you’re not going to shift from I’m upset.
And I make this mean, I’m inadequate to? I’m super happy. And I’m perfect all the time. So how does somebody like take this? I know one of them is the like knuckle, you know, the little conditioning thing you shared, which is a great exercise. What’s another way we could start to kind of like, ease ourselves into not freaking out when we have certain emotions or fails or things like that.
So you know, what you’re talking about? Is that feeling of inadequate or fear? Or, Oh, my God, I did this wrong? And you could take that simply as what did I learn? What did I learn? Because if you listen, that all the experts and these people did not come up with any of this stuff. This is all stuff that’s been years and years and years. If you go back to Dale Carnegie and all these people that were just just 1020 3040 5060 years ahead of us, we’re doing these things. And it’s simply like, look at Thomas Edison. You know, how long did it took them up?
What I think 1000 tries to invent the light bulb, when he didn’t look at it as a failure. He just looked at it as I can’t do it this way, I can’t do this way, you’re doing the same thing. You will not grow. If you don’t make mistakes. If you’re afraid of failure, you will never you will stay exactly where you’re at. So the best thing to do. And I tell everyone, when I go up and speak with kids or anything, fail, I told I tell my own kids fail as much as you can, as often as you can, because you will be 10 times more ahead of me that I was at that age. You know what I mean? By failing?
So it’s fine, make the mistakes. And I think we’re programmed in a society to think, oh, mistakes are bad, like, oh, you messed up on a task. You got to now like, that’s a failure. That’s a program. You’ve been programmed to think that if you get enough, well, you know, I’m just not good at that. And I don’t care. Like that’s the attitude. And it’s a mind shift, right? You’re shifting mind to think that way. And it’s okay to think that way. So I guess one of the things is a to recognize your field fears, your failures, the things that you’re afraid of writing them down, right, right, on a piece of paper, the things that are holding you back, whether you’re down, but then also again, it kind of goes like okay, what would I rather be doing?
If I if I’m afraid to fail? Where am I going to be? This is like the dickens effect, where am I going to be in five years in 10 years? With my business, identify that once you realize that you’re not going to move because of that, okay, well, what what’s the worst case scenario that’s going to happen if I do? Do this and I fail? Okay, well, maybe if I’m speaking maybe don’t have these to speak together. Maybe they don’t give me a recommendation. All right. Well, good luck. Without to speak or for you, you’re afraid of failing and making a mistake?
Well, what’s the worst case scenario that can happen is? Well, I just figured out that that doesn’t work for me. You know, look at this mistakes, these things are going on your life as just an inconvenience right? Now, well, that’s inconvenient. If you change the meaning of the word to a Power Word, like, Oh, my God, I’m such a failure, or you find generational trauma being passed down, right? And I’m not saying this, specifically women, but like, if a mom stands in the mirror, and her daughter sees her, and she goes, Oh, my God, I’m so fat, right? You hear that over and over and over again? Well, if that daughter grows up, and looks in the mirror, and she’s remembering, Oh, I’m so fat.
Well, why did you say, Wow, I look really good. You know, it’s reprogramming the meaning behind that word. You know what, I have stuff to improve on? I go to the gym and improve on it. You don’t I mean, and but that takes some time. It’s okay. Allow yourself to go through that. But take some time to sit there and be like, Oh, well, why am I saying this to myself? And if I keep doing this, again, where are you going to be in wonder five years from now, if you keep doing what you’re doing?
Yeah, I love that. And one thing everybody can look up after this episode is something called the dickens process or the dickens exercise you mentioned. I’m sure there’s probably two or something. But one of the things that I think is so under emphasized is, is like, I think there’s staying stagnant and not failing, because you’re afraid of that. There is no upside on the other side, you just stay exactly the same. Versus if you are willing to fail many, many times, you’re going to come out the other side smarter with better skill set with hopefully the result.
But even if you didn’t get the result, you come out the other side, a more confident, you know, person and you learn to trust yourself and have your own back in hard times. And like that, to me is a skill you can transfer in anything else you do. And you’re going to be better off after that. Right. So one of the questions I have to myself sometimes in my business is like three years from now or five years from now, am I going to be happy I made this investment or am I going to be happy I did this thing.
And the other thing that I think’s under emphasized is acknowledging like going back to conditioning, we never conditioned ourselves to feel like proud of ourselves, or like, damn, yeah, yeah. Yeah, we’re always on to the next, we go ahead and reward ourselves for our successes. And what’s my reward yourself for your, I think you should track and reward yourself for your failures, too, because you have to have both to succeed. Yeah, I mean, recklessly trying to fail, it doesn’t mean, you know, doing something in a crappy way on purpose. But it means like, I keep a log, and I’ve started to log just results, meaning results can be a win, or fail or fail.
So something I tried, I was on three podcasts this week, you know, or I, you know, hired this thing and went like this and whatever. And so I track that, to honestly just see, oh, I’m not staying stagnant. I’m like, What can I learn from this? And acknowledge, like, look at this stuff that you are, like, working through and good for you. So I’m going back to what you were saying sorry to interrupt. I just wanted to really say, like, guys fail if we could condition ourselves to not label it as failing or bad. But instead, as you know, a learning process and something we’ve tried and true, be open to try, try, try, fail, try, fail, try, win, win, win win, you know, that whole thing. So much bigger, but go back to what you were gonna say about success and rewarding yourself.
So yeah, like, for example, I started doing that for myself. Like, I’ve never rewarded myself. I just worked worked toward her work, not like, oh, you know what, I’m gonna reward myself. And here’s one of the occasions that happened. I was sitting there it was we’re at, I think it was after Thanksgiving. I’m like, You know what, nobody, I noticed I’ve been in sales for a long time to nobody wants to do anything from like, thing, getting all the way till after like two weeks after the new year. So I just, all I did is make contacts. I think I contacted you too, in December as well. I was just constantly contacting it.
Now coming into January, and we’re very early in the January, I have made so much more progress to actually realize, like the connections I have, I’m meeting with the connections, the connections are wanting to meet with me. They’re wanting to do dual work with me, you know, put some programs together. All these things that I just did. December, fed right into January. And I was like, Oh, you don’t. So I was like, I don’t know if it’s gonna work. And I just worked really hard on it.
But then I’m like, oh, you know what, every day, I want to make some more context because I don’t want that to slow down. I want to keep going. And it just keeps getting better and better and better. I started rewarding myself without like, you know what, I’m gonna buy this for myself, because I never do that before. You know.
So it’s like, yeah, here’s the goal. I hit that goal. I’m gonna reward myself for that goal. But I love what you said about failures. Because we’re so scared. I failed. I’m such a loser, right? Like I’m, you just rewarded yourself for failing. Because you learn that’s not the way to do it.
Yeah, right. You learn from it. Yeah. I love, like, what you did in December, you reaping the rewards in January, doing things your past self with thank you for like, I am so thankful myself was able to get really uncomfortable last week and work a lot in preparation for this week, where I’m going to be working a little less. And you know, the things that I was doing. And so it’s like, when you’re making new habits, don’t be it. Like, I think people fear rewarding themselves, because they think they won’t work as hard. But you can’t move or hate or judge or, you know, beat yourself up into progress.
It’s just not it. Ask yourself, how is that working for you right now? For maybe some of you, you want to try to defend that and be like, it does work. But what if there could be another way where it doesn’t have to be as heavy, hard and terrible, right? So and I think the discomfort of challenges is hard enough. You don’t need to add extra beating yourself up and self loathing and whatever else else to write. I think when choices in those little tiny moments where you’re like you do one little thing that’s beneficial. You got to be like, Hey, that was a good shift you made this time. Nice work, right? Yeah. So what do you what some ways we could acknowledge or reward ourselves.
You know, like, it took a while for me to do that for myself, until I just kind of sat down for me, and this isn’t work for everybody. For me, I just started writing it. I started writing down, okay, you know, like, I started to want to build my identity when I’m speaking. What is my brand as a personal as a person? So I start writing all this stuff down, right? And when I start writing all this stuff down, I’m like, Okay, let’s do this. And this, and this, I got more hyper focus on what I needed to do. It’s just built from there. But the biggest thing is just not giving up.
Like, I’ve been doing this for a while. And it’s like, I would say, three to four years, and it’s just starting to pay off. But like, for me, it’s different. Like, I have that on believable drive, because I don’t want another mother or father to have to bury their child because they commit suicide. Like, I know, I can fix it. I know I can’t. It’s just getting out there in sight. So bat drive, I take it. So internally, that that’s what motivates me. It’s just like, Okay, I gotta find a different way of doing this. What is there going to be? The biggest factor, I’d say, as a coach yourself? What is your drive? Like, you know, I always say, what is your why?
Why are you so driven, to help somebody in that area, define that for yourself, that should what you should live and breathe every day. Because when you have that drive, you will never give up. It’s just not an option for me. For me, I know this is not true. I know, my son is proud of me. I know he’s with me on this journey. But I feel like I will not let you down. Like I am going to build something so big that people will know who I am, and who you are and our story and what we’re trying to do in this world together. Yeah,
I mean, I got goose bumps, you are totally driven by why and I think that’s super beautiful. And I think most coaches are in it for a big why. That’s probably why we get into it. You know, and I think one of the things that I want to challenge the listeners to do after this episode is every day, write down what are three things now this is not cocky. This is not you know, to show off, but write down three things you like about yourself every day. Yeah.
And cheese are most people will be like, oh, that’s hard, or like, it’s hard to come up with something today or like, and it doesn’t have to be, it could be a quality about yourself. Sometimes when I answer that question, a lot of the times what my answer is, is I don’t give up. And so, you know, I tweak and refine until it works. And kind of I think, Charlie, that would be one of yours too, that you like about yourself. So I would challenge everybody to write that down every day and just see what comes up for you and start getting more familiar with the other side of what’s possible. for you, which is not beating yourself up not hating the process, etc.
Yeah, you don’t want to add to that three things that you’re like about yourself, like, right, I wouldn’t go back to the programming at a young age, the people that influenced you, I bet you in one month, just writing down three things that I bet you when you get about two weeks in, maybe not even admit to anything, you’re having a hard time coming up with three things that you like about yourself that you haven’t already said, you know, because that’s the way we’re programmed. So I love that exercise that you just gave everybody and challenge them to do that. Because now you have to really think outside the box, about yourself and it’s going to expand your mind. And it’s going to help you so much more in coaching to on how to approach situations.
And what you start to focus on, you start to see more so you’re already like, I got all this stuff to work with I got all these tools. I like this stuff about myself, I want to help people my drive is super strong. Suddenly your world just become so much more expansive versus what’s wrong with me. Why isn’t this working? I’m so I was such a victim, etc, etc. So where can everybody connect with you and find you.
You can email me at charlie at charlieraythehealer.com or go to my website, www.charlieraythehealer.com. That’s where you can connect with me. If you guys have any questions, I’m actually going to give a little plug for myself but it my I’m hoping by April, see putting together a quarterly Mastermind course. Very affordable, but it’s really just going to dig deep into how your mind works. How do we perceive information, right?
How do we change our perception of that information? It kind of goes up four parts are identifying where our emotional trauma comes from releasing that trauma, empowering yourself with tools that are going to help build you to a new you. And then you know your growth, build building to a new future. And what that looks for it. I’m gonna do all of that in the Mastermind course that I’m putting together now. And hopefully it launches around April time that we’re looking to do it.
Awesome. Well, that sounds awesome. And thank you for all the work you’re doing and we’ll talk to you soon.
Thank you so much.
About Charlie Ray
Charlie Ray is a leading expert in releasing emotional trauma. He has been able to help get rid of or greatly reduce Depression, Anxiety, PTSD, Fears, Phobia’s among much more. Charlie has worked with clients ranging from sexual assault, human trafficking, domestic violence, suicidal tendencies, generational trauma, parental trauma, among many other circumstances.
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You can find Charlie on his website here.